It's almost midnight and I am exhausted. I arrived home from the hospital last Wednesday. I am so grateful to be free of the confines of four walls. I will be on IV antibiotics for another month along with a nebulized antibiotic and two oral antibiotics. Although the the strain of pseudomonas that I carry is resistant to each of these medicines, they seem to be having a synergistic effect and I am getting better.
I am continually coming to terms with how sick I am. I'm not sure if it's denial. I am aware of the facts: My lung capacity (FEV1) is at 31%. My lungs have lost much of their elasticity due to scar tissue caused by so many infections. I have had 3 lung collapses and statistically will have more. Pneumothoraxes (holes in the lung) can lead to respiratory distress and heart failure. Lung transplantation is not merely a life extending operation, it is life saving. I know the facts yet I still struggle to accept that I am this sick.
I am a survivor, a fighter. I don't know when or how to give up. This has served me well at times. But now I feel tired. The trials of life are wearing me down. I am coming to a place of giving up, letting go.... surrender?!? Didn't I do that already?
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