Waiting

Please indulge me while I put aside my usual sunny demeanor and gripe for a moment - I'm tired of being in the hospital. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of the future being unknown. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of needing others, of being dependent.

When I get in a funky mood, like the one I am in at the moment, I have learned to sit in it. I used to try to get rid of it through the quickest pleasure seeking, pain numbing method available, this usually involved food of some kind. My weight has fluctuated 100 pounds over the last couple of decades. Now that I am committed to being healthier I look and feel better. The down side is I hurt more, or at least I feel the hurt more. The price of being real.

I have found that music can comfort me. Rich Mullins is one of my favorite song writers. I love this song-

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul I swear there must be blisters on my heart
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace