Life happens......

Thanksgiving was wonderfully relaxing. Just being out of the hospital was a reason to celebrate. My family went to Jacoba's house. She had a delicious dinner prepared for us, all we had to do was show up. What an incredible gift of hospitality! We ate, napped, played games then ate some more.

Since the previous Tuesday was Tom's birthday he decided he wanted to "get away from it all". Friday morning we traveled to Pigeon Forge, a touristy town about an hour and a half from our house. Our family needed to regroup and going away together helps us to do that.

That evening we were on our way to dinner when...... life happened.

It's amazing how quickly our agenda can change. One moment you feel happy, carefree anticipating a fun evening, the next moment you are jolted to a new reality. Crash - Everything transforms- your plans, your priorities, your pain.

Later in the evening as I lay in bed I was overwhelmed with gratefulness. My family was still intact. No one was seriously hurt.

I could lament the loss of our van, it will be costly, inconvenient, another struggle in life to contend with but in the scheme of things it's going to be alright.

Home Sweet Home

I AM HOME!!!!!

I hope that will be my last hospital stay for this year. It feels so good to be outside. I'm so thankful to be spending Thanksgiving out of the hospital.

Existentialism and Poker

For the first few days at the hospital I do nothing but eat and sleep. Usually by day four or five I am well enough to appreciate visitors and watch TV. By the sixth day I am bored of TV so I
have developed other past times. I read, I clear out my old emails, I talk on the phone, I journal, I listen to music, I talk with God. Sometimes His presence feels very close, sometimes I feel very alone.

Lately I have a new activity to pass the time away. I play poker. Like most card games there are different levels to play. Some players just willy-nilly take chances and throw out their cards without much thought. Some players try to bluff their way through a hand acting like they have something of significance when they actually have nothing. Some of the more serious players know the odds , count the cards and calculate their every move and counter move.

Regardless of what level you play at there is one dominating factor that rules the game - luck.
Luck of the draw, meaning you can only play the cards that have been dealt to you. You do your best, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, regardless, the game goes on.

Now the hard part

I have been in the hospital for a week. I feel much better. My body is responding to the medication. I have not had a fever in several days. I am not struggling to breathe anymore. I have more energy. I am on the road to wellness.

Now the hard part begins. Waiting....

I want to be home. I want a normal life. This year has been especially hard. It seems I am getting sicker, the disease continues to stomp through my life like an enemy army on the attack. In the previous eleven months I have had five hospital stays, weeks of home IV's, and a month living away from my family going through pulmonary rehab. All this accompanied by the continual thought of "when will it be time for a lung transplant?"

I am so tired of sickness overshadowing my life. I have lost perspective and it seems like there is no end in sight.

I wait to hear from the doctor about when I can be discharged from the hospital. An insurance company will dictate whether or not I will be home for Thanksgiving.

I feel so helpless.

Being Here

I was hoping to make it through the rest of this year without another hospital stay. I am sad to say that is not so. It's been 7 weeks since my last hospital visit and here I am again. The usual brought me to my demise- fever, extra congestion, shortness of breath or (SOB) as they refer to it in medical jargon.

I've been here since monday. I am beginning to feel better, which makes being here harder. The weather is supposed to be beautiful in East Tennessee this weekend. One of the last tastes of Fall before winter comes. I want to be outside enjoying the sunshine and the final days of warmth.

I am trying to embrace what is, not what I would like it to be. I know if I focus too much on my desire for this hospital stay to be over with then I will become very frustrated and I will miss the goodness of what is happening now. At this moment I am resting in a comfortable bed. I am enjoying the quite hum of the IV machine. I am watching the sun come through the window casting ever changing shadows on the wall. I am eating a blue berry muffin that is quite tasty. I am breathing. I may not have all that I want but I have all that I need for this moment.