Learning To Lean

I tend to lean toward being a type A personality. I thrive on competition and challenges. I like having goals to work towards. I need a certain amount of pressure to be motivated. I enjoy the chaos of multitasking. I love being on the go. I revel in being self sufficient; proudly rising to all the tasks I must do.

So you can imagine my frustration as I enter a stage of life where I am no longer doing. I am just being. Let me clarify....I am doing less, much less. My days consist of nebulizers, naps, medical appointments, homeschooling, exercising and more naps. I feel tired all of the time. There is always more to be done then I can do. The worst part? I feel so vulnerable.

My journey in life has taken me from being committed to not needing anyone to being downright dependent. You know, the whole "I am a rock, I am an island" routine. I had that down for many years. I was strong in my self sufficiency. I was hard, impenetrable. I was protected. I was alone. Then I learned how to be interdependent; a healthy step in the right direction seeing how I wasn't invincible and I didn't like being alone. Now it seems all that I am is, oh how I despise this word ...... needy.

I'm sure in the big scheme of things all of these trials will all be for my good. I hope to become a happy, well adjusted, well rounded, stable, tranquil person some day but in the mean time I am struggling. I struggle to ask for help. I struggle to receive help (although I am learning to graciously say Thank you.) I struggle to relax in my neediness of others. I was much more comfortable being a rock because as you know...altogether now, everyone sing.... a rock has no pain and and an island never cries.

Will I ever learn to relax and wholly lean on others? Time will tell.