The Gift of Time

Time is a funny thing. We all have 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. When things go by quickly we see time fly. When we are on a trip we want to make good time and travel there faster. We feel stressed when we are pressed for time. Most of us don't feel like we have enough time in the day and we try to buy some time by prioritizing our schedule. Yet many of us let time slip away. We suspect things will work out in due time and we can rest in knowing that time will tell all things. Perhaps because of my ponderings one might think I have too much time on my hands.

I have been given the gift of time. Last Tuesday I returned to Duke University for my 8 week check up. In spite of recent hospital stays I am doing well. My pulmonary function tests reports that my decline has stabilized. The doctor is not convinced that doing a transplant at this time would prolong my life any longer then not doing one at this time. In other words he thinks we can get some more mileage out of my current lungs. The whole purpose of transplant is to keep me alive as long as possible. I like that idea. I've got things to do, people to see, children to be raised, a life to be lived. I cherish my time for every moment is a gift to be enjoyed.

Perspective is all we need.

Today I will be going home from the hospital. I've been here since Tuesday. Apparently I caught a bug while waiting in the ER over the weekend for gall bladder surgery. I had been home less then 24 hours when my fever started spiking. So once again, I evoked all there is in me to do what I have to do and return to my home away from home. I am grateful for good doctors, good hospitals and medicines that eventually help you feel better.

With that being said let me also say that I really hate being sick. I hate the feeling of knowing that I cannot stop my body from feeling like it's been hit by a mac truck. I cannot stop the feeling of being left behind while all the world goes on with their lives, right on schedule. I cannot stop the disconnect that happens with my family because I have no emotional or physical energy to offer them. I remind myself when I enter the hospital that this too shall pass.

The first few days go quickly as I lay around and sleep most of the time, exhausted from the effort of breathing, relieved that I have nothing to do but rest. Usually by the third or fourth day I am revived enough to watch TV. I like to watch Discovery health channel. I am reminded that there are many far worse off then I am. Last night I viewed the documentary about autistic savant twins obsessed with Dick Clark. The show really helped me feel good about my situation. Perspective, the capacity to view thing in their true relations or relative importance, is all we need.

Change of Plans

I awoke yesterday eagerly looking forward to communing with Mother Nature in the mountains. The leaves are at their peak and we were going to travel to the Smokies to see their vibrancy up close and personal. I knew our plans were about to change when I woke myself up moaning with pain. I had the worst stomach ache I've ever experienced. No matter what position I laid in I could not get comfortable. By the time the doctor opened his office at 9 I had been in pain for several hours and knew I needed to be seen. The rest of the day was spent consulting with specialists, obtaining blood work, doing tests and traveling to the hospital in Knoxville. A little before midnight last night I bid my final farewell to my gall bladder.

Today I am in recovery mode with my precious narcotics bringing me sweet relief. Perhaps next weekend I'll make it to the mountains.

The Great Escape

I've been on vacation. For over two weeks I have been in Florida. Our family was blessed when friends of ours offered us free tickets to Disney World, Epcot and Disney Studios. For two days we were in the midst of the Magic Kingdom. The weather was warm and breezy as we walked the pristine, clean streets with the castle in the background. We squealed with delight on the roller coasters, including the Aerosmith rock-n-roll coaster that went from 0 to 60 mph in 2.8 seconds. (I highly recommend it for my fellow adrenaline junkies). We had a good time of being together and having fun.

After Disney we travelled south. On Friday evening, the 17th, my friends hosted a fundraising event at Homestead Mennonite Church. It was a night of blessing; the worship was wonderful, the stories were funny and affirming. I felt so blessed. God has given me so many supportive people in my life. $10,000 was raised that evening. I am still in awe.

The rest of my vacation was spent talking deeply with old friends, basking in the sunshine and enjoying great adventures in the land of familiar. For two weeks I was sheltered from the reality of the heaviness of life. I was blessed with good health while I was gone and was able to briefly forget how sick I am. It was a wonderful trip that left me feeling refreshed and rejuvinated. I am thankful for the reprieve of the great escape.

Ya'll Come

Have I mentioned how beautiful Tennessee is in the fall? The leaves are starting to change colors. The night air is cool but not cold and the days are sunny and warm but not hot. This is one of my favorite times of the year.

Have I mentioned that we have a big house? We have two guest bedrooms down stairs plus a pull out couch, lots of floor space and some great blow up mattresses. We have housed as many as twenty- two people here. The house was designed and built by James Stutzman, the local Mennonite pastor. He is a fine craftsman and the house reflects his work ethic and attention to detail. I think it is an ideal place for a retreat setting, close to the the Smoky Mountains, less then and hour and a half away, close to the interstate, less then ten miles t0 I-75.

I mention all of this for a couple of reasons. The first being that our house is for sale. We need the money for my lung transplant and recognize now would be a good time to downsize. Anyone interested in relocating or a great vacation home or perhaps setting up a retreat center can contact me for the details. The second reason is to invite our circle of friends (those of you reading this blog) to come for a visit. I noticed this past weekend how much easier it is to get projects done when there is extra support. We are trying to get the house in optimal showing condition given that we are fighting against a declining economy and a slow buyers market. And to be honest, Tom and I are worn out right now. Life has had many challenges over the last couple of years and there is not much left in our reserve tanks. We are trying to figure out how to refuel and recognize that we both get energy from visiting with people. So if you have some time off and want to get away, we promise we won't work you too hard and we'll have a good time. So.....Ya'll come.

A Feast Fit For A King

If laughter is good medicine then I think I might have overdosed. What a fun weekend I've had. My Mom, Sister, Aunt and Uncle came to visit. We played cards and laughed. We cleaned and organized together. When everyone left I felt refreshed, blessed and full. My Mom and Aunt can cook!
I feel sorry for everyone who was not me yesterday. Our dinner menu consisted of pork chops, mashed potatoes, green beans, cream corn, pinto beans, corn bread, fried green tomatoes and peach cobbler for dessert. It was a Southern smorgasbord. Good food...good times...good life.

Learning To Lean

I tend to lean toward being a type A personality. I thrive on competition and challenges. I like having goals to work towards. I need a certain amount of pressure to be motivated. I enjoy the chaos of multitasking. I love being on the go. I revel in being self sufficient; proudly rising to all the tasks I must do.

So you can imagine my frustration as I enter a stage of life where I am no longer doing. I am just being. Let me clarify....I am doing less, much less. My days consist of nebulizers, naps, medical appointments, homeschooling, exercising and more naps. I feel tired all of the time. There is always more to be done then I can do. The worst part? I feel so vulnerable.

My journey in life has taken me from being committed to not needing anyone to being downright dependent. You know, the whole "I am a rock, I am an island" routine. I had that down for many years. I was strong in my self sufficiency. I was hard, impenetrable. I was protected. I was alone. Then I learned how to be interdependent; a healthy step in the right direction seeing how I wasn't invincible and I didn't like being alone. Now it seems all that I am is, oh how I despise this word ...... needy.

I'm sure in the big scheme of things all of these trials will all be for my good. I hope to become a happy, well adjusted, well rounded, stable, tranquil person some day but in the mean time I am struggling. I struggle to ask for help. I struggle to receive help (although I am learning to graciously say Thank you.) I struggle to relax in my neediness of others. I was much more comfortable being a rock because as you know...altogether now, everyone sing.... a rock has no pain and and an island never cries.

Will I ever learn to relax and wholly lean on others? Time will tell.