I had hoped.........
someday soon I would breath easy, I would walk without being winded, I would laugh without coughing. I had hoped to ride bikes with my children, to sleep without being tangled in an oxygen line. I had hoped for more then what I have. Hope is dangerous, it lays open the heart to deep disappointment.
I had a meeting with Dr. Reynolds this morning. This was the first time that I have seen him since he told me that I had reached the transplant window, that was nearly 3 months ago. Since then I have been working to accept that my fate had been sealed, it was time. I have listened to every request the transplant team has presented to me. I have relocated my whole family; completed every test, jumped through every hoop and now this....
Wait. It's not time yet. I'm better, not as good as I had hoped for but better then I was. Can I be satisfied with this - tied to an oxygen machine, waiting to get sicker, the threat and promise of transplant continuously looming on the horizon? Can I wait in peace knowing my time will come, that time on this side of transplant is a familiar battle, a fight that I can keep up for a while longer, a gift to be cherished?
Time will tell.
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4 comments:
I am just not sure what to think or say. Maybe this means you can keep getting stronger. I would like to think so. But I hear your questions. Waiting to get sicker. Ugh! That doesn't sound appealing.
I pray you find your way and are able to enjoy the ride.
I know that it is way so much easier to say that everything is in Gods timing, when you aren't the one that may be feeling that you are almost "timed out" from waiting for so long. But God really is faithful, and everything that He has allowed is in your best interest, He loves you and it was not His intention for you to suffer as you have. I am so sorry that you have to go thru this Tina. May the Lord surround you with His grace, strength, and comfort.
After preparing yourself so much emotionally for this transplant, this news must be very difficult for you. we will be praying for you.
"Sometimes he calms the storm and sometimes he calms me, sometimes the storm still rages on, but I feel the sweetest peace..."
Hoping you and/or your storms are calmed.
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