MERRY CHRISTMAS!

 Every body pauses and stares at me

I use oxygen as you can see

I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe!

But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas are my two new lungs,

my two new lungs,

can't wait to breathe with my two new lungs

Gee, If I could only have my two new lungs

then I could shout, "Merry Christmas!"

Seems so long since I could say

anything without being winded

Gosh, oh gee, how happy I would be

if I could only whistle

All I want for Christmas are my two new lungs,

my two new lungs,

can't wait to breathe with my two new lungs

Gee, If I could only have my two new lungs

then I could shout, "Merry Christmas!"

Thoughts that keep me awake at night

Lately I've been thinking about the person who will be donating their lungs to me.  They are about to enjoy the holidays for the last time.  Are they away of their coming demise?  Do they have a premonition, a hint of things to come?

I have been praying for blessing for them and their family, that this holiday season will be especially memorable.  I intercede on their behalf, that they may fully understand the meaning of Christmas.   I have been praying they are ready  for an eternity of peace with no more tears, no more hurts, no pain.

I do not understand the complexities of life and death.  How God uses ALL circumstances.  Their tragedy will be my benefit.  My good and their pain flowing together in a grand scheme that is good  is beyond  my ability to comprehend.

So I live in a sense of awe, anticipation and bewilderment.  I pray and I trust. I am thankful that God is in charge so I don't have to be.  His timing is perfect.  His intention for me, for my donor, for all humanity is for good.

The Next Step

 Need You Now

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause Oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now

-Plumb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4

The draw of the ocean.

I  want to flee to the ocean, be still  and watch the sun set.  The continuous waves brings a rhythm to life that I long for.  The vastness of the water reminds me that there is a bigger picture; always more then what we can see.

Today is done,  finished with more questions and less answers then  yesterday.  I am lost at sea, afloat on a life boat with holes, water tumbling in faster then I can bail.  I want to sit on the shore.

Hurry Up and Wait

I know I need to be patient.  I need to wait.  I will practice waiting  in the coming days.

I know organ transplant is a mixture of science and art.  There will be no exact timing as to when the surgery will happen, how long the new organs will last, what complications or ease may befall on me due to this endeavor of a bilateral lung transplant.

I am tired of waiting; tired of wondering if they will accept me as a candidate.  Am I finally sick enough?

Tomorrow the team of experts at Duke hospital in Durham, NC., will come together and view all of the test results from last week's evaluation.  Tomorrow they will call and let me know what is next- yes, no or maybe.

Yes, come on over, start the pulmonary rehab.  Time will tell if I am truly ready or not.

No, We won't be able to transplant you due to ___________fill in the blank.  Certain bacteria, certain complications will keep you off of their list.

Maybe, start the rehab, see how much healthier you become, see if you can buy more time with your native organs.

I'm tired of waiting, tired of life in limbo- Do we move to Durham?  When do we move to Durham?  In the middle of the Christmas season.  I'm too tired to decorate one house, much less two if we move before Christmas.

So tired....time to rest.

Pre-transplant Evaluation

This seems surreal, I've been talking about transplant for soooo long; hard to believe it's really happening.

And so it begins.......

Day 1: 9 hours, 5 appointments- I completed a VQ scan and a CT scan of the lungs, 26 vials of blood drawn, chest x-ray taken, urine and sputum samples donated, a tetnus booster shot and a pneumonia vaccine received and a consult with infectious disease doctor.

Delicious ropa vieja for dinner at the Cuban revolution cafe. Time to call it a night. I am tired. Tomorrow's first appointment begins at 7:30am. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support.

Day 2: 10 hour day included ultra sound of the liver, meetings with nutritionist, surgeon, heart cath consult and an esophagography test. 

The latter test consisted of my body laid out in various angles while swallowing barium, an Elmer's glue like substance but less tasty, along with sodium bicarbonate crystals in order to produce gas. Strict orders were given to not burp. The end result was not pleasant. Think about the standard science fair volcano and you get the picture; not a pretty sight.

Day 3:   Easy day of testing. Lots of waiting for appointments. Good thing I am a patient woman. Pun intended. ;)

Day #4 of pre-lung transplant evaluation- Met with the social worker, the psychologist, the financial coordinator, the GI folks and lastly the rehab center. All went well except the GI appointment. I was unable to complete the esophageal manometry. They were not able to push the tube down my nasal passage into my stomach. Sinuses are too inflamed. As much as I wanted to get this over with I am grateful they were sensitive to my discomfort. The next time they try it will be with sedation. One more day- cardiac catherization in the morning- two tubes up the groin into the heart.


Day #5- Successful cardiac catheterization. Doc said he noted no reason to hold up transplant from his findings of my heart. Now I have to wait until the team meets next week. They will review all of the test results and let me know if they think I will be a good transplant candidate.