Today I went to lunch with friends to the Dam deli down by the Ocoee Dam desperately needing to get out of the house, tired of being inside. I wore my oxygen, carrying my portable tank like a backpacker out for a hike. I am accepting that I need O2 for comfort. I describe this like a luxury, an accessory, like I prefer my tennis shoes over my heels because they are more comfortable.
Before today I chose not to wear my oxygen, I didn't "need" it. I could compensate. I used to front; to make up for my shortness of breath by slowly walking. I would stop every 10 feet or so to catch my breath, standing still, trying to appear casual, looking closely at a bush or a sign, taking my time strolling. This used to be more comfortable for me for once I got where I was going, once I set down then the shortness of breath would go away and I would go about life like everyone else; Almost....... I got along fine as long as I did not move too much, talk too much or God help us all, laugh too much. Any of these activities could trigger a coughing fit that would violently shake, rattle and roll my body until everything settled down once more.
Fronting is not an option right now, strolling does not work, Walking for just a short distance leaves me gasping and coughing, not a pretty sight. So today I chose to wear the nasal cannula tethering me to earth, my lifeline that keeps me grounded. You can't avoid looking sick when you have O2 flowing up your nose. It's quite apparent something is wrong. The secret is out, all the world knows you are not right. I suppose I will get used to this new level of exposure. I struggle with people knowing something so personal about me so quickly, first impressions and all that. They see a sick woman.
I am sick AND I am so much more. After resisting for so long how sick I am slowly coming to terms. Again. I am at a new level of need, perhaps permanent, perhaps not, time will tell. May I accept reality as it. May I stay tethered, learning to live within my limitations and soar above the challenges at same time.
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And you ARE so much more. Proof of that can be found in your next few sentences. Especially this one: "May I stay tethered, leaning to live within my limitations and soar above the challenges at same time."
Thanks for the reminder to accept the realities, while finding that place above the obstacles to soar. Kites fly best when tied to a string. May your tether allow you to fly a little higher, to breathe a little easier, and to enjoy life a little more each day.
Peace to you, Tina.
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