Fast forward

I've always been conscious of time, not in the way that I need to be on time to everything. (I was raised in laid back South Florida after all.) But in knowing that time is a commodity that will someday be used up. When I was younger one of my favorite songs was called Fast Forward by Prodigal:

Dreams all stop at 6am
the alarm clock rings once again
pump my body full of caffeine
aim my briefcase for the door
one more suburban blast off
hear the count down, 1,2,3,4

I don't want to be a number in a turnstile
another figure in a government file
I don't want to be a byte in the program
seven digits on a telephone dial

Fast forward, fast forward
time keeps slipping away
fast forward, fast forward
tell me where my life has gone
fast forward, fast forward
time keeps slipping away
fast forward

I do my job; I earn my pay
who needs dreams anyway
but now the days all fall in number
leaves on a dying tree
even wide awake I slumber
am I killing time or is it killing me?

I don't want to be a time-clock punch card
another scene on the cutting room floor
I don't want to be a marker in a graveyard
My life has got to count for something more

You can tell I grew up in the 80's. Since when does a telephone have a dial or only seven digits for that matter. As an adolescent I would play this song over and over and dream about all the places I would go and the things I would do. I was not simply going to pass time but make my mark on the world. In typical teenage angst I was chomping at the bit waiting to grow up and get on with my life.

Twenty something years later it seems I am still chomping away waiting to get on with my life. Today as I was exercising I pondered how I am approaching pulmonary rehab as a pause in my life. I was dreaming about how relieved I will be after transplant so I can move on to better things. I look forward to returning to work. I can't wait for my schedule not to be dominated by treatments, doctors appointments and the uncertainty of when the next health crisis will occur.

While looking toward the futures has it's place I realize that the reality is- this is my life. There is no need to wait for it, no need to move on, I am living my life. I do not want to sacrifice being fully present in the moment on the alter of waiting for the future. I do not want to miss out on the now by moving fast forward.