Saturday, March 22, 2014

Winter is over.

Sometimes I cannot write about my hospital experiences as I go through them.  Writing is a way to connect with my emotions and express myself.  Sometimes I choose not to embrace what I'm feeling. Sometimes it is better for me to keep my feelings at bay so I do not write.

I came home from the hospital today.  I have spent 54 days at UT medical center this year, beginning January 21.  I was released twice only to return again. The dates are a blur to me. The first time I came home was after 3 weeks of antibiotics.  I responded well and felt better then when I was admitted but still not great.  Soon after being home  I started running a fever, I returned to UT two days later.  A few more weeks of antibiotics and I was released to come home on Saturday, March 8th.

 I remember the date because it was important to me to be home for my son's 14th birthday which was on the 10th.  Unfortunately I was home for less then 24 hours.  I had a fever through out the night  and my family tells me I was  restless in my sleep, holding random conversations that were full of angst and irritation.

 I awoke the next morning feeling hopeless and full of despair.  Morbid thoughts plagued my mind.  I felt defeated;  all my coping mechanisms were gone. I was anxious beyond anything I have ever felt before.  The fight for my well being had become more mental then physical.  I was admitted to the  ICU to desensitize (again) to the antibiotics my body needed.  I was also given some anti-anxiety medicine that helped calm me but I still felt miserable.

 From my vantage point now I can tell you that I was having a reaction to a combination of very strong drugs that had been given to me.  I was not loosing my mind. After two nights in ICU I was moved back to the ninth floor; back to familiar faces that I trust to care for me.  Once again they have nursed me back to life.  (Pun intended.)  I thank God for good medical care.

So now on this third day of spring I celebrate coming home.  Winter is over, a new season has begun.  








2 comments:

Jeannie Smith said...

Tina, you are an amazing lady. I am so sorry for the difficult time you have just been through. I can feel my emotions rising in my throat as I read this hospital summary. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you. May spring flood you with joy, hope and a sense of God's new beginning in your body and soul.

El said...

Hello Tina. Came across your blog at random while writing in my own. My blog is about Parkinson's Disease, so also about health. I feel for you and all I can do is offer emotional support, because I see the health issue is very intense and overwhelming. I have been at a difficult place before and I have an inkling what you are dealing with, although quite different. I always attempted to be grateful for what I could do, no matter how small. The little things matter. Yes, to be grateful for all the joys of spring and every season as it comes. Keep your chin up, and keep writing!