I do not think of myself as fragile. I do not think of myself as sick. Denial? maybe but I don't think so. I know the facts but I have defied the odds long enough that I assume the stats don't apply to me. I know I will die one day, everyone does eventually. That day seems far off, always in the future.
28 days in the hospital, a new personal record. I block the outside world. Blankets hang on my window, tis easier to sleep with less light. I am so very tired. 10 steps to the bathroom is too far when dragging an IV pole, an oxygen monitor and a nasal cannula pumping precious oxygen. 10 steps leaves me gasping.
My world is shifting, priorities changing. What really matters? Breathing. What used to be natural is now a calculated task - 3 liters at rest, bump to 5 to go to the bathroom. The obnoxious alarm blares when I refuse to listen to my body and go e-v-e-r sooooo s l o w l y. I adjust to a snails pace.
Is this permanent or a bump in the road? How long can you be in end stage lung disease before it's the end?
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2 comments:
You've got it figured out right, Tina. You are a strong person. Your resilience and powerful spirit nurture the rest of us!
But I hear your questions too and sense your exhaustion. I pray for blessed rest and recuperation.
Love.
You possess a quiet strength that is both amazing and refreshing. One day your FB post will say, "I got the call for new lungs." That day is coming. May the end be a new beginning. Love you.
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