Tethered to reality

Today I went to lunch with friends to the Dam deli down by the Ocoee Dam desperately needing to get out of the house, tired of being inside. I wore my oxygen, carrying my portable tank like a backpacker out for a hike. I am accepting that I need O2 for comfort. I describe this like a luxury, an accessory, like I prefer my tennis shoes over my heels because they are more comfortable.

Before today I chose not to wear my oxygen, I didn't "need" it. I could compensate. I used to front; to make up for my shortness of breath by slowly walking. I would stop every 10 feet or so to catch my breath, standing still, trying to appear casual, looking closely at a bush or a sign, taking my time strolling. This used to be more comfortable for me for once I got where I was going, once I set down then the shortness of breath would go away and I would go about life like everyone else; Almost....... I got along fine as long as I did not move too much, talk too much or God help us all, laugh too much. Any of these activities could trigger a coughing fit that would violently shake, rattle and roll my body until everything settled down once more.

Fronting is not an option right now, strolling does not work, Walking for just a short distance leaves me gasping and coughing, not a pretty sight. So today I chose to wear the nasal cannula tethering me to earth, my lifeline that keeps me grounded. You can't avoid looking sick when you have O2 flowing up your nose. It's quite apparent something is wrong. The secret is out, all the world knows you are not right. I suppose I will get used to this new level of exposure. I struggle with people knowing something so personal about me so quickly, first impressions and all that. They see a sick woman.

I am sick AND I am so much more. After resisting for so long how sick I am slowly coming to terms. Again. I am at a new level of need, perhaps permanent, perhaps not, time will tell. May I accept reality as it. May I stay tethered, learning to live within my limitations and soar above the challenges at same time.

Sticky keys

The 'h" and "g" key sometimes stick on my lap top. I will be typing along not even realizin tat I am missin out on tese keys until i proof read later. It's better that way, if I proof read while I am typin then I will be constantly correctin myself. Te flow is missed.

Rite now I am missin the flow of my life. Seems like I am constantly stoppin, assessin, am I doing tis or that right. If I try harder, ponder more, smell te roses, rest, play, work and perfectly balance my life will I be appier? more satisfied? tranquil? ealty?

The last one is particularly tricky? ow much do I ave to work at being healthy. Work being te operative word here. Feels like I am always fitin a slippery slope of disease. I spent 3 weeks in te ospital in February. Wen I left I did not feel "riht" but tey had done all they could do; a full course of antibiotics.

Wehn I went for my follow-up appointment te culture came back positive. Te bacteria in my lungs was still there. Time to start anoter round of anitibiotics, tis time outpatient; tis time accompanied by a nitly fever, more congestion, lower oxyen saturation levels and no enery.

Today I laid on my deck all day, te oxygen teterin me like te man on te moon so I don't float away. I am very aware that I am limited rit now, tryin to live my life within different parameters. I can only ope that witout all my keys the messae will still come through; although I'm not quite sure what I am sayin. I'm just sayin.