A New Challenge

I went to Duke transplant center for a check up this week.  First time I had been there since July of last year.  I'm supposed to go every 3-6 months but kept postponing appointments for various reasons.  My lungs seem stable despite the need for oxygen.  They would like to see my again in 3 months and they are concerned about a new condition I have developed:  I am fat.

I would not qualify for a transplant today due to the fact that I am overweight.  There seems to be a great correlation between successful transplant and healthy body mass index.  So the challenge is to lose 20 pounds in the next 3 months.

Food is my drug of choice.  I like the taste, textures and distraction of food.  I eat for pleasure and to avoid pain.  A cold pepsi perks me up, a big mac brings me a feeling of being satisfied for a fleeting moment.  This has not been a problem until now.

I have justified my eating habits by blaming steroids; Nothing like some prednisone  to create a bottom less pit in your stomach.  I have also blamed the antibiotics I am constantly taking, they leave a horrible taste in my mouth that must be covered by continuous consumption of sweets.  I am a stress eater and respond to life being out of control by controlling what I can, namely what goes into my body.  I love food.

So now the struggle for discipline begins.  I know I can do it, part of me really wants to.  Yet there is another part of me that is tired- tired of struggling, tired of the continuous challenge of doing the "right" thing, tired of trying.  I wonder which part of me will direct my future.