Thoughts for today.

I do not think of myself as fragile.  I do not think of myself as sick.  Denial?  maybe but I don't think so.  I know the facts but I have defied the odds long enough that I assume the stats don't apply to me.  I know I will die one day, everyone does eventually.  That day seems far off, always in the future.

28 days in the hospital, a new personal record.  I block the outside world.  Blankets hang on my window, tis easier to sleep with less light. I am so very tired.  10 steps to the bathroom is too far when dragging an IV pole, an oxygen monitor and a nasal cannula pumping precious oxygen.  10 steps leaves me gasping.

My world is shifting, priorities changing.  What really matters?  Breathing.  What used to be natural is now a calculated task - 3 liters at rest, bump to 5 to go to the bathroom.  The obnoxious alarm blares when I refuse to listen to my body and go e-v-e-r sooooo  s  l  o  w  l  y.  I adjust to a  snails pace.

Is this permanent or a bump in the road?  How long can you be in end stage lung disease before it's the end? 

Living in the In Between

I am lost.

I stand on jello.

My body is not right.

13 days on antibiotics and still a fever.

When will this end?

New lungs await.....someday.

But not today.

Today I am lost.